'Normality'

One of the most difficult things about having and surviving cancer is understanding normality, because 'normality' is no longer achievable. I think this is one of the things that holds me back in trying to accept the fact that I've had cancer. For years I kept trying to keep things as they were before I was diagnosed in an attempt to pretend that the girl that had cancer wasn't me, and laying in bed at night I'd think about who I'd be now if I had been a normal child and what my life would be like. The idyllic life I created when I thought about this was nothing less than soul-destroying. I think a small part of me will always compare myself to the girl I should have been, but now that I'm finally beginning to accept that I was the little girl who had cancer, I'm thinking of her less and less.
The difficulty with this idea is that you become unsure of what normality is. In my mind there's a clear distinction between what was normal before diagnosis, during treatment, and post all-clear. The issue is that you don't want your normality to change. You keep striving to keep it the same and have this idea that after treatment your life will go back to normal, but this can't happen. You have to somehow accept that your life will not be the same, and that it's not better or worse than before, just different. I still struggle with this 8 years on, because I spent so long pretending it had never happened. It's taught me that denial is a poor coping strategy and that you must confront what's happened in order to eventually accept it.

Sophie xo