'Sunshine all the time makes a desert'

Sometimes I think about how much Cancer has taught me. I think about how it sort of put me in line and calmed me down. It made me realise what's important in life and what struggling is really like. I suppose it gave me patience, compassion perhaps. But I would like to know what I'd be like now if it had never happened. I would love to see the girl I would be. Would I be happier? Prettier? More intelligent? That's what I assume when I picture it. I wonder what scars are left on my soul from everything I've faced. Who would I be without them? Would I be like everyone else? That's not even a real thing? Everyone is different? Maybe I'd be more who I want to be. Maybe without any physical restriction I would achieve more? Or maybe restriction is the only thing that's made my achievements seem like achievements?

Would I be a better person? Probably. I wouldn't be so bitter or angry or sad. Or maybe I would? Do I want this to be my identity? I can't pretend it didn't happen anymore. I can't convince myself that I'll wake up and it'll all go away. This is my life. Maybe I'm not any closer to accepting it. I'm still wishing it had never happened 10 years on? Will I still be wishing in 20 years? 

I don't even know why I think about that so much. It's impossible to ever know. Maybe I've walked past my double and she looks nothing like me because she didn't have Cancer. I feel like I can't live my life without wondering what could've been and I waste so much energy thinking about it but I can't seem to stop myself. I wish I thought in a different way. I wish my brain would stop connecting happiness to a cancer less life. I wish I could stop thinking about this stuff all the time and that for once I could just focus on real things like applying for university and art and what I want to do with my future. But my mind is in the past. And I'm wishing again. 

I'm sorry if this post makes no sense~
 

Sophie xo