Expression

I think most people struggle to express how they truly feel. And I think because of this we tend to lose trust in others. Over the years I simply gave up trying to explain how I felt about the whole situation because no one ever understood. Right now I’m becoming frustrated just trying to explain how frustrating it is. I realise now the difference between what I think and what I actually say. Thoughts never stop. No one ever thinks of nothing. But worrying constantly is not normal. It’s not healthy. I feel like I can’t control my thoughts. I can’t stop thinking about certain things that I wish I could just forget. But the thoughts, they keep swirling around and around in my head until I feel as if I’m drowning, as if they’re a wave that has engulfed me and I start to drown. Sometimes I drift off in thought and have to take a deep breath as I come back into reality, just to stay living. I feel like everything I do is just to distract myself from my thoughts, but laying in bed at night what do I have to distract me? When I’m alone, what’s there to distract me? I feel like when I’m distracted, I’m happy. Does this mean I’m not any better than before? Maybe I've just been too busy to realise that I'm getting worse again.  

Quite honestly, I haven’t felt this bad in quite a long time. I hate to talk about my personal life rather than my cancer experience on here, but some people might relate to this. This month I found out that my ex has moved on, and I know that here is not the place to vent my pathetic girl problems but I have found it quite difficult. It kind of hit my like a punch to the face to be honest, and I don’t even know why. I just keep imagining how much happier he must be with her. How he doesn't have to deal with my unstable emotions or neediness or bitterness or... disability. Part of me doesn’t want to post this in case he reads it, but then I remember that he wouldn’t bother. I need to stop being so self-absorbed. But I just feel like I told him more than anyone about my illness, even though he never understood. And he came with me to the Bone Cancer conference earlier this year. It was so hard for me to share that with someone, but I thought that I could trust him. I feel like an idiot for letting someone get so close to me. I think that’s why I'm finding it more difficult to share things now. I feel that if I write about something openly, people could use it against me. But if I don’t write about them, who will? It’s worth my pride if it helps someone. I wish someone had validated my thoughts when I was ill, and I hope that by sharing mine, some of you will feel validated in your thoughts and actions, even if they seem crazy at the time.

Sophie xo