This quote is the truth. And I know it's meant to be a deep profound metaphor for being with someone you love or self-harm or listening to music, but for me it is quite literal. During treatment I was given a lot of pain meds. In recovery for my major surgeries I was given morphine. And after all the pain and worry and stress that treatment put me under, morphine was like an angel. All I had to do was press a button and my whole body felt ok again. My leg didn't hurt. My muscles didn't ache. I felt ok again, like before diagnosis.
Then it was taken away. My legs hurt again, my body was heavy and slow, I was the fragile chemo patient again.
Then a second wave of happiness. Codeine. Codeine was allowed. I could take it at home, I could go to the doctor and ask for more. And I'd get more. 100 tablets at a time. It was easy. It took the pain away.
I became 100% dependent on codeine. I had a codeine for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Nothing could hurt me. Physio felt fantastic, I didn't worry about anything, it took the pressure off.
This addiction seemed harmless. Do what makes you happy, right?
But happiness is temporary. When the codeine started to wear off, real life came down on me like a ton of bricks. 'I need to sort out my life, I need to think about the future, I need to do apply to uni, I need to focus on school...'
And so I'd take it again. And all these thoughts would melt away and everything would be ok again.
The real addiction to codeine started with the illazrov frame in July 2012, and there wasn't a day I didn't take at least one codeine until December 15th 2013. Something in my mind flipped that day and I decided not to take it anymore. It wasn't worth the stomach pain from taking so many meds, the headaches, the 'hangovers', the complete lack of focus, the 2am crying on my bedroom floor.
And I haven't taken it since then. And I've thought about taking it every day so far. There are still a few packets hidden in my underwear drawer for emergencies.
So drug addiction is probably one of the strangest outcomes of having cancer, but my blog is all about the truth.
Then it was taken away. My legs hurt again, my body was heavy and slow, I was the fragile chemo patient again.
Then a second wave of happiness. Codeine. Codeine was allowed. I could take it at home, I could go to the doctor and ask for more. And I'd get more. 100 tablets at a time. It was easy. It took the pain away.
I became 100% dependent on codeine. I had a codeine for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Nothing could hurt me. Physio felt fantastic, I didn't worry about anything, it took the pressure off.
This addiction seemed harmless. Do what makes you happy, right?
But happiness is temporary. When the codeine started to wear off, real life came down on me like a ton of bricks. 'I need to sort out my life, I need to think about the future, I need to do apply to uni, I need to focus on school...'
And so I'd take it again. And all these thoughts would melt away and everything would be ok again.
The real addiction to codeine started with the illazrov frame in July 2012, and there wasn't a day I didn't take at least one codeine until December 15th 2013. Something in my mind flipped that day and I decided not to take it anymore. It wasn't worth the stomach pain from taking so many meds, the headaches, the 'hangovers', the complete lack of focus, the 2am crying on my bedroom floor.
And I haven't taken it since then. And I've thought about taking it every day so far. There are still a few packets hidden in my underwear drawer for emergencies.
So drug addiction is probably one of the strangest outcomes of having cancer, but my blog is all about the truth.
Sophie xo
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