The past year has been one of the most difficult in my life. I've not kept up with my blog because I just couldn't find the emotional energy, but I'm not going to avoid the problem anymore; I'm going to work through it post by post.
The beginning of this year saw me revisit my psychologist after about a year of not needing a session. And that was hard for me to deal with. I felt like all of my tireless work to become stable again had just fallen off the face of the earth. I felt ashamed of myself to go back, which I know now is not a healthy thought, and no one should feel this way about revisiting therapy. I have been really struggling, and getting help again was the best thing I could've done.
So, what really made me get help again were two huge life events for me emotionally. Firstly, my boyfriend at the time broke up with me (which I can now laugh about, what a waste), and secondly, my Dad had a nervous breakdown.
Now, these two things came at quite a close time, and I found myself in somewhat of a downward spiral. This was last winter, and so my sister and most of my friends had moved away to University, leaving me feeling quite alone. I know that I'm exceptionally good at hiding sadness- and I had let my walls fall down for this boyfriend, so I definitely could not allow myself to share my feelings due to the trust issues he left behind. So, I emailed my psychologist and booked myself in.
I visited her a few days ago, but I have recently moved to my sister's house and so our sessions will now be over the telephone. This scares me a little, although we did discuss that my mood would improve staying here rather than at home, so it should be enough contact.
I have stabilised enough now to be able to write about these things on here, so I have definitely improved emotionally. I feel that the past seven months have equipped me with more experience and knowledge of how to deal with exceptionally hard circumstances once more, although it did knock me back in my journey of recovery.
I discovered that your first relapse is terrifying. I took me so long to struggle back to stability, and crashed back in to depression so quickly. Everything sort of came rushing back- the guilt, the self questioning, the confusion... it was all so familiar that I just automatically switched back into those habits. And to make it worse, I felt like I had just deluded myself into thinking I was happy for that year. And looking at it now, I had. I'm in such a happier and healthier place now, and very thankful for that toxic relationship to be over.
I just need time. And now that college is over, I have time to deal with what's happened to my family, especially now that I'm finally completely over my first relationship.
I want to break up what I had considered one post into a timeline of posts, explaining the different emotions I've been feeling, and their link to the habits I learnt whilst coping with my cancer survival. It will be a hard journey, talking about my dad and my parents splitting up, but it's important for you and I to understand the wider impacts of a person having cancer on those around them- making sure not to give in to the guilty feelings surrounding it.
Sophie Hartley xo
