'Sunshine all the time makes a desert'

Sometimes I think about how much Cancer has taught me. I think about how it sort of put me in line and calmed me down. It made me realise what's important in life and what struggling is really like. I suppose it gave me patience, compassion perhaps. But I would like to know what I'd be like now if it had never happened. I would love to see the girl I would be. Would I be happier? Prettier? More intelligent? That's what I assume when I picture it. I wonder what scars are left on my soul from everything I've faced. Who would I be without them? Would I be like everyone else? That's not even a real thing? Everyone is different? Maybe I'd be more who I want to be. Maybe without any physical restriction I would achieve more? Or maybe restriction is the only thing that's made my achievements seem like achievements?

Would I be a better person? Probably. I wouldn't be so bitter or angry or sad. Or maybe I would? Do I want this to be my identity? I can't pretend it didn't happen anymore. I can't convince myself that I'll wake up and it'll all go away. This is my life. Maybe I'm not any closer to accepting it. I'm still wishing it had never happened 10 years on? Will I still be wishing in 20 years? 

I don't even know why I think about that so much. It's impossible to ever know. Maybe I've walked past my double and she looks nothing like me because she didn't have Cancer. I feel like I can't live my life without wondering what could've been and I waste so much energy thinking about it but I can't seem to stop myself. I wish I thought in a different way. I wish my brain would stop connecting happiness to a cancer less life. I wish I could stop thinking about this stuff all the time and that for once I could just focus on real things like applying for university and art and what I want to do with my future. But my mind is in the past. And I'm wishing again. 

I'm sorry if this post makes no sense~
 

Sophie xo 

Letting Go

This is something that I just cannot do. It would be so much healthier for my emotional state if I could simply move on and let things go but there's always an incredibly strong voice in my head telling me how much better things were before and that it can happen again, even though there's a 0% chance. It seems so idiotic to keep wishing and wishing for something that's impossible, but how I feel right now seems impossible. We are creatures of habit, and when all structure changes we don't know how to react. This is where escapism comes in. I use this as a coping strategy, but it doesn't actually help me cope, it just delays the healing process. If I just ignore how I feel it seems to go away, but it only gets buried. And then PTSD comes in and I burst into tears at a certain smell or song, and it's extremely detrimental to my mental health. It's like carrying an emotional bomb that could explode at any point, and this becomes quite exhausting to maintain. I wish I could stand up and tell everyone how happy and ok I am after surviving, but it's not like that. I don't live every day like it's my last, I don't look in the mirror and think wow I'm so glad I have hair now, I don't constantly think of how lucky I am. But I wish I did. I wish I could. I'm completely aware that some people reading this will judge me as an unappreciative self-centered little girl who has no idea how much you would give to have a life after cancer, but I refuse to pretend anymore. Life after cancer is far from perfect, and someone needs to make this known, otherwise nothing will change.
This is why I'm going to channel more energy into my campaign for better psychological aftercare for cancer patients, so that we no longer have to sit in our bedrooms and store sadness inside because we're 'ungrateful'. Try living through unimaginable pain, toxic medication, physical debilitation and social exclusion, then you can tell me how lucky I am.

Sophie xo 

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10 things you need to survive a bout of chemo

1 ~ Extra strong mints / boiled sweets, for when that awful chemo taste surprises you again. 

2 ~ Something that smells like home, maybe a blanket or a pillow. Something that smells like your house after coming home from holiday. 

3 ~ Your most comfortable clothes, or primark pyjamas if you can buy new ones. Trust me, you won't want to wear these clothes after chemo, so don't wear anything you're too attached to. 

4 ~ Your laptop / tablet / iPad, and ask a friend to add you as a user on their Netflix account. This will save you from the endless daytime TV on the 4 channels that actually work. 

5 ~ Your favourite CD, sometimes you will literally be too tired to keep your eyes open, and this will boost your mood with minimal effort. Maybe bring two, a relaxing one and an upbeat one, Beyoncés always good 👸

6 ~ Your favourite film, one that you can watch, fall asleep and chill out to. Audiobooks would also be good to listen to, again when you're too tired to move. 

7 ~ A selection of your favourite foods, one from each food group, eg your fave biscuits, fruit, crisps, soup. Because canteens are overly expensive. Keep these out of sight until you crave something though, sometimes the sight of food is enough to make you ill. 

8 ~ A diary, to record your thoughts and feelings. This will help your healing process. Alternatively, keep a blog, although the screen may give you headaches. 

9 ~ Determination. 

10 ~ Hope. 

Comment and share what helped you survive chemo :) 

Sophie xo