Frustration

A blind guy went to our school, and we were told not to walk into him/help him out if he was lost. He was blind since birth, and this made me think about his perspective. I thought of how it must be awful to not be able to see, but he knew no different. Cancer is not like this. It's more like going blind during your life, waking up one day not being able to see. I have such bittersweet memories of my life before diagnosis, which Lloyd's story on Stand Up To Cancer reminded me of yesterday. He spoke about his dream of being a football player, which cancer took away from him. It was heart-breaking. And then I remembered that I was that kid. I had dreams that I now couldn't reach. I loved dancing, and I'd love to dance again. 

Bone Cancer is one of the most physically debilitating cancers, especially when it's in your leg. I mean, it was difficult enough to walk, let alone jog, run or dance. Now that I'm 18 I go on nights out and find that I'm trying to hide how much my legs are aching by drinking more and more, which obviously isn't healthy. I don't want to class myself as less than anyone else, which has helped me achieve my physical goals, but has made me suffer mentally. I know that I shouldn't compare myself to people who haven't had to go through any cancer/disability, but how can I not? everyday when I went to school I would be the least able person, and I hated that. I didn't want to be different, I wanted to blend in and not 'the girl who had cancer'. 

It frustrates me, remembering how I was before. I seem to have only happy memories of before diagnosis, although I'm viewing it through rose-tinted glasses. I felt like a child before, and all of a sudden I had to be adult. The physical frustration is the worst, which I cope with through exercise. But the mental frustration of constant 'why me' questioning, thinking of how your life would be without it and comparing yourself to all the other 'normal' people your age becomes exhausting. I spent so long wishing and wishing it wasn't me and that I would wake up someone else that I forgot who I was. I was the girl that kicked cancers butt, and I'm proud. 

Sophie xo

Apology

Hi everyone, sorry for not posting in so long. These blog posts take a lot of emotional energy which I just haven't had recently. I've also noticed that my blog is so negative, basically because I've used it as a space to bitch about having cancer, so I'm going to post more positive pieces now. Of course I'll still talk about the emotional issues connected to surviving cancer, but mixed with more practical advice and good news.

This good news starts with the Bone Cancer Research Trust calendar shoot I was part of on Sunday. 

It was simply amazing. It was exactly what I needed, what I think I've always needed. I met people like me, I met people who understood, and it was better than I had ever dreamed. We discussed how things made us feel and other people's reactions to us, and I felt like I was part of a group and not alone. As my previous posts have explained, one of the hardest things is the loneliness such a rare disease causes, and suddenly on Sunday I was standing in a room with seven people like me. I feel like Sunday healed me just as much as the year and a half of therapy, without a doubt. I'm still in awe of the whole day, and all the people I met. They all had such inspiring stories and were truly lovely people. Hearing them speak about their treatment was so strange because we all had quite similar stories, and I'd never heard someone tell me their's. It's really put things in perspective for me, and I feel like I really need to make something of myself out of respect for those whom bone cancer has taken.

Sophie xo